Running As Therapy

Running Angry

People tell you not to run while angry. Fuck them. Running angry is great. You run fast, you hardly feel any pain and afterward you feel much better than when you started. I did it a few nights back after feeling trapped indoors, angry at something I had absolutely no control over, and came back feeling less likely to go Bruce Banner on life. I don’t think you should run every time you’re angry, but if you’re feeling the need to get some shit sorted without a visit to a head shrinker, lacing up and getting a few miles finished is wholly recommended.

I think I scared a few other evening pedestrians when I growled as them as I passed by. Or it could have been simply because I forgot to wear underwear and was donning my shortest shorts.

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Top Ten Uncommon Sense Running Tips for Beginners

He's Faster Than He Looks

1. Don’t run immediately after eating a can of vegetarian chili with beans unless you hope to leave your own brown “finish line”. Sharting is a real danger here.
2. If you’re going to wear short shorts while running, please warm-up and stretch at home. Nobody wants to see your Kid ‘n Play dancing around. This is a common concern running in Silver Lake.
3. Walk in new shoes at least a couple times before setting off on any serious run. New shoes are like a new sex partner…they should be eased into the relationship, not just thrown into daily pounding. Both you and your shoes will have a longer, more fruitful time together in the long run if you respect the “getting to know you” break-in period.
4. Challenge yourself while running by finding someone to catch up to. I personally prefer women with shapely behinds or older senior citizens I know I can eventually catch up to. Although on occasion I’ve found myself biting off more than I can chew when senior or senorita has proven to be faster than expected. It ends up being great exercise in either case.
5. Let go of your ego when running. It’s okay to stop and walk inbetween periods of running. Faster runners have a secret pact to only make fun of you once you’re out of hearing distance, wuss.
6. Mindfully inhale and exhale. Unlike Bill, I admit to taking a toke and inhaling twice in my life. Breath in similar deep fashion…but don’t hold your breath nor stop by 7-11 to satiate the munchies like our former POTUS.
7. Don’t poop immediately before you go out to run. No matter how well you clean/wipe/rinse, you’re going to end up with swamp ass because of the mixture of sweat and internal “juices” that help move the matter. Gross, but true.
8. Humming while running is okay. But please don’t sing while running. The track is not your private karaoke bar and other runners want to kick you in the anus each time they have to pass by you while you sing off-key, close eyed.
9. Be polite and make way for other runners and walkers when passing each other. A nod, smile or wave is always appreciated too. Unless they’re on a cell phone. Then protocol dictates you expel a silent but deadly surprise. An expedient escape is recommended.
10. Run for fun, not for time or speed at first. If fun means wearing a funny outfit (note post below), wig and clown nose, or other silly attire, do it. Just not around the Silver Lake Reservoir after 7pm, please.

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